Belvidere, Nebraska Pop. 98

Beneath the City of the Turkeys Part II: Pinkerton's Last Stand.....

2007-07-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

I feel the crushing weight of some mysterious force, perhaps regret, upon my shoulders as I take in what has become of my once thriving town. Businesses are boarded up. Disrepair has set in. The laughter of children is but a distant memory. Since the 19th, when Duane Frierson's desperate warning came to me via a ramshackle old Ham radio I hadn't used since Carter was in office, the town has been under martial law. Once the meatloaf flowed like wine around this place and now the streets are stagnant.

But what is done is done. As I stand here, about to make perhaps the most important announcement of my career, I begin to look towards the future. But the past weighs so heavily on my soul.

Lost in thought, I went back to the events of the prior evening. Brim Pinkerton, only survivor of Frierson's volunteer rescue team, appeared at my back porch. Covered in blood, with a number of deep flesh wounds and missing an eye, and carrying the limp body of Duane Frierson, Brim was only able to manage a few words before collapsing: "It's over Spooner. Duane did it. He's saved us. He's saved us all." I stood there feeling helpless and watched as the last few ounces of Brim's life essence oozed onto the ground beneath him. Duane stirred.

"I bet the old coot didn't see that coming. Why wouldn't he listen? Whyyyyyyyyyy!"

I tried to comfort Duane the best way I knew how. But the Rum Turnip burned his throat, raw from days without liquid nourishment.

"I told him to head back Spoon Man. He found me just outside of their ammunitions storehouse. It was all going according to my visions. But he wouldn't budge. Said somebody had to look after me. Look after me? That old codger thought he was looking after me. Damn fool. The others were long dead. Storch and Breech made it past the perimeter defenses. They hid in some trees while the patrol went by but the boy's got torn to ribbons. They didn't have a chance. Death Brigade found 'em soon enough though. They fought hard, I'll give 'em that. But what could they do against a full Brigade with a complement of badgers. They were dead before they hit the ground. Brim found me just as I was going in. I guess they found him before the storehouse went up. I didn't expect to make it out alive. I guess I owe him my life Spoon Man."

Duane went on to reveal the dastardly plan that the turkeys, and their badger accomplices, had set into motion. Beneath our very feet, he revealed, are a number of fortified tunnels, years in the digging, that were earmarked for rapid entry into the city. They had figured out a way to circumvent our perimeter defenses. They were to unleash their fury upon us under cover of darkness, the badgers going in first followed by the Death Bridages in a two tiered assault meant to confuse us. They had been stockpiling weapons for months. It was the weakness in their plan that proved to be their downfall because Neither turkeys nor badger are able to operate firearms or small explosives because of a lack of an opposable thumb. Duane was able to infiltrate their storehouse and destory it, along with the turkey and badger high command which was holding a strategic planning meeting in the adjacent room.

Chaos ensued and Duane was able to use pilfered weaponry to finish off most of the remaining Death Brigade and a large portion of the badger infantry. Some survived but in numbers so few as to virtually destroy any ability for a counteroffensive in the foreseeable future. The last thing he remembers is a large explosion behind him and wave of warmth hitting him from behind. The next thing he knew, he was laying on my back porch next to the corpse of Brim Pinkerton.

Reality came rushing back and I placed the megaphone to my dry lips. The townfolk soon gathered around me and I related Duane's tale.

"Much thanks to Duane Frierson for all of his hard work. We have some work ahead of us here in Belvidere as well. We will have to fill in the tunnels with concrete and get this town back in order. Martial law is lifted. The curfew is no more. The meatloaf rationing is cancelled. Gorge on Ronda's savory meat product to your hearts delight my fellow citizens of Belvidere. A new day is upon us!"

Genetically Modified Crops in Belvidere?.....

2007-07-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

(A dramatization to illustrate the health concerns of genetically modified crops. This really isn't Death, it is a man in a Death suit. But Death could really be there, or anywhere, because he is invisible.)

Every week I get letters from townsfolk with concerns about goings on here in Belvidere. Many of these questions are scientific in nature. As many of you already know, I have asked Dr. Frank Grimes our town chiropractor to serve as my science advisor. He has graciously accepted and already the benefits have become clear. It was Dr. Grimes who suggested that, based on our current understanding of the human body as a conduit of innate healing lifeforce from God, that Belvidere should block all shipments of genetically modified foodstuffs into the city. That's right, since late May every bite of food you take in Belvidere, whether it is some of Ronda's steamed ham or a turnip salad from the Center Diner, was made by our Holy Father.

A little over a year ago, I received a letter from Flippy Martinez, who is the son of Quiznos Martinez who owns the Subway down on Avenue D. Mr. Martinez, a Sandwich Artist at his father's store, was concerned about a new product available here in town at the time. Here was what he had to say.

"Dear Dr. Jenkins,

I was just at Grandma's and noticed that some of the products contain genetically modified corn. I heard that genetically modified corn contains animal genes and that the Bible says that genetically modifying corn is a sin. Should I burn the town down or just Grandma's.

Sincerely,
Flippy Martinez"

Here was my reply.

"First off, I'm not a doctor although I have been offered an honorary degree from the Belvidere Technical and Cow Related Science Institute. Second, what a great question Flippy. I've often thought about the potential health concerns related to eating genetically modified, or GM, crops. So as usual I turned to a trusted source of information on this topic, the intranet.

One trusted source on the environment, and the scientific ramifications of fiddling around with it, is Greenpeace. Greenpeace has been protecting the environment without an agenda for years and reading their article on GM crops was very revealing. My search then led me to Dr. Mercola's website, another bastian of integrity, science, and consumer advocacy. There I found some mind blowing revelations about GM crops, their hidden dangers, and the conspiracy to sneak them into the food supply. I then spent several more hours scouring the intranet for trustworthy information on GM crops from sources such as Pat Robertson, Deepak Chopra, and the Committee for the Scientific Advancement of Removing Science From Public Schools(CSARSFPS) headed by Michael Behe and Phillip Johnson. I'll condense everything you need to know into 5 easy to remember points Flippy:

1. Genetical Modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory. These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and thus the Bible so to answer your question, yes Flippy it is a sin. But don't burn down the town or Grandma's. Instead write a letter to your Congressman.

2. Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes.

3. Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than the God created variety. This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option to choose between natural and GM crops.

4. Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects.

5. It is already a medically accepted fact that GM crops lead to a variety of health problems: chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic lyme disease, Wilson's thyroid syndrome, toxic mold, fibromyalgia, subluxations, stagnant Chi, Morgellon's disease, Candida hypersensitivity, neuralgia-inducing cavitational osteonecrosis, and many more.

I hope that this anwers all of your question Flippy."

Now Mr. Martinez, were he alive today, would no longer have to live in fear of genetically modified corn. Nobody does anymore. They only have to live in fear of deadly roving bands of killer turkeys and the mysterious threat of death from below, possibly by badger attack. And I no longer have to worry about answering difficult scientific questions from concerned Belvidere citizens because Dr. Grimes will be at my beck and call, ready to serve his beloved town.

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins

Henry Porter Book Release Party Cancelled.....

2007-07-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

(The evil Baron Vandersnoot of the Henry Porter series of books.)

With much regret, the planned city wide festival celebrating the release of the seventh and final installment of the Henry Porter Series, "Henry Porter Meets Sandy Duncan Meets Don Knotts Meets Don Rickles Meets Mama Cass Elliot Meets the Haunted Horseman of Hagglethorn Hall", must be cancelled secondary to our current state of high alert. I promise that the planned festivities will take place once order has been restored and the growing threat of turkey domination has abated.

In Memoriam.....

2007-07-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

On July 19, local citizen Flippy Martinez was tragically killed. Though more details are sure to come out once Dr. Grimes has completed a thorough post-mortem spinal exam, Belvidere Chief of Police Lipton Collingsworth III has issued a statement.

Chief Collingsworth:

"It is truly a sad day for this great city. At roughly 9AM on July 19th, the body of Flippy Martinez was discovered near the railroad tracks just southeast of A street. He appears to have died from acute blood loss related to a large number of deep ankle and foot wounds. The Belvidere Police Department asks that anyone who witnessed the tragic demise of Mr. Martinez come forward. We are also asking that any psychics, pet or otherwise, with details on the crime please contact the station....."

Beneath the City of the Turkeys Part I.....

2007-07-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

I write to you today with a heavy heart. For the past few weeks, the citizens of Belvidere have been enjoying a break in what has been a continuous assault by the Turkey Death Brigades. There have been no fatalities, not even any skirmishes at the Southwest Quadrant perimeter. But there has also been a great sadness as we have not received word from either Duane Frierson or the search party sent out to find him. Just this morning however, I have finally received communication from Duane in the form of a garbled radio transmission. I will reproduce his cryptic words in their entirety:

"Mayor Jenkins. I am safe. Storch's boys are gone. I couldn't get to them in time. Damn toms pecked their eyes right from the heads. Storch and Breech are holed up in some trees and Brim is unaccounted for. Why'd you send 'em Spoon Man? They was just kids and Pinkerton's a damn fool. No time right now. Growing dark. This is big man, really big. Badgers everywhere. I think they're behind the whole operation. You aren't safe . Death from below man, death from below. What's that? Damnation they're on to me. Don't send anyone else Spoon Man. I have to finish this."

I can't be certain but I must take Duane's warning as a serious and credible threat. Thus I have no choice but to place Belvidere on Alpha alert status. This means a 7pm curfew is in place. This means no traffic in or out of the city. This means martial law my fellow Belviderians. School is cancelled. Keep your doors and windows locked at all times. Please report any suspicious activity to the Mayor's office immediately.

Prepare yourselves. All able bodied men, women and children should make ready to defend their homes and their lives. The rest will be used as decoys, and possibly food, and as a labor force for the fashioning of makeshift weapons such a spears and clubs. Begin rationing the meatloaf. One serving per day only. Don't worry, I'll talk to Ronda. But most importantly, pray.

Child Care Maintenance.....

2007-07-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

(Dr. Grimes, it's time for my check-up!)

There is no greater blessing to a family than a child. They are the future of not only Belvidere but of the entire world and should be treated like the little treasures they are. But children are especially appreciated in Belvidere because without them our fastest growing industry would grind to a halt without a source of cheap labor. The benefits of working in our acid mine though are obvious and needn't be discussed for fear of boring my readers. It is in everyone's best interest that children be maintained properly, much like my 1960 Ducati Elite, so that they might perform to their utmost potential. The following manual includes many excellent tips on child care that I have picked up over the years from medical professionals, friends, acquaintences and periodicals. Feel free to print and share this treasure trove of knowledge with your friends and family.

Mayor Jenkins' Child Care Maintenance Handbook

Disclaimer-All children should be seen by a qualified pediaric health professional on a regular basis for check-ups. Much like your car can run low on vital components of vehicular health such as oil and transmission fluid, your child can also have difficulties with too little or too much of a variety of bodily fluids such as phlegm and bile. Far too many parents these days are turning to unnatural drugs to treat their children when a good leeching would sufffice. (1)

In Belvidere, we are lucky enough to have our very own pediatric health specialist by the name of Frank Grimes. As town chiropractor, Dr. Grimes has been preventing the deadly consequences of current and potential subluxations in children for years, and for a minimal fee. Amazingly, since hanging his shingle on A Street there have been no subluxation related deaths. (2) Every child should be evaluated within the first few hours of birth for any deadly spinal misalignments and then regularly for rechecks. But Dr. Grimes isn't always available. So what resource for reliable pediatric health information do Belvidere parents have available 24 hours a day? Keep reading and the answer will become clear in no time.

Getting Settled

The first few days at home with a new baby are often very stressful for parents, particularly if there are other children in the house. A new baby brother or sister can be stressful for your older children because of a perceived loss of parental affection. It is difficult to care for a newborn and give other children the time they need. Dr. Tracy Gomella, a certified pediologist at Sweet Baby Ray's Hospital for Sick Children in Chicago, IL, says that the key to integrating a new member of the family into the home is setting aside one on one time with older siblings so that they still feel special. She also recommends Their new Hickory & Brown Sugar barbecue sauce as a sweet and savory addition to your Summer meals. (3)

In Belvidere, older siblings are often kept in a shed or, preferably a soundproof underground bunker during the several days prior to the arrival of a newborn. Food and water can be lowered down to them by a system of pulleys and human waste sent up for proper disposal. This allows time for the parents to prepare the home and teaches older siblings a lesson of gratitude and humility. Studies have shown that older siblings are 38% more likely to accept a new child into the home without whining with this method. (4)

The First Night

Ask any parent, and they will tell you that the first night is usually the worst. Newborn infants often cry despite attempts at soothing with tight swaddles, rocking and pacifiers. A mother's breast milk has not typically let down at this point, and unless formula is given as a supplement the child is hungry. Needless to say, parents find little time to sleep.

Placing the infant outside of the house, ideally near the window to the parent's bedroom, is a nice compromise. This way, a parent can sleep while still being able to hear any loud crying that might represent a dirty diaper or a raccoon attack. (5) Obviously inclement whether might add a level of complexity to the situation that some parents are not comfortable with. At this point it is a personal decision based on a parent's comfort level, however, there is mounting evidence that coddling babies too much is a risk factor for future psychological problems and poor acid mine productivity. (6)

Feeding

Babies are human beings and must be fed, though only as much as is needed for survival. In Belvidere, breastfeeding is supported as a natural alternative to fancy scientifically designed synthetic formulas that are tailored specifially to provide advanced and high powered nutrition to infants. I'm sure that babies who get breast milk are happy. It's kind of like when I bought my nephew a used Playstation 1. Sure there are newer gaming consoles with better games and graphics, but the Playstation 1 has good games too. If you can find them, since they don't make them anymore. Maybe if you check down at the Salvation Army Store or something. To show our support in Belvidere, every October is "Breast is Adequate! Month". (7)

Cleaning

One of more difficult decisions that parents must make early on in the life of their newborn is whether to use plastic or cloth diapers. Pediatric gastroastrologist Ryan Vartabian from Baylor University's satellite facility in Guam says that the correct answer is neither. (8) Simply placing a one inch thick layer of newspaper or wood chips in high traffic areas of the home should suffice. Accidents will of course happen but a once weekly hosing should be more than sufficient to keep any offending odors from settling.

Potty Training

After several years of random and indiscriminant voiding and stooling about the house, your child will be ready for training. Complete continence is required before acid mine work in order to keep mutants and hobos, who are attracted to human feces, from hassling the extraction technicians. Many experts recommend a slow and steady approach with a focus on avoidance of pushing children to achieve milestones that are developmentally inappropriate. Their concern of course being that one step forward might result in two steps backwards. However a panel made up of Russian orphanage workers believe that the implementation of adverse sensory stimulation as a deterent to undesired behavior can result in early potty training, with some claiming success during the 2nd trimester. (9)

Pets

Many new parents are concerned about exposing a young infant to household pets such as cats, dogs, ferrets and monitor lizards. A consensus amongst child health experts states that there is no increased risk for asthma, scabies, canine distemper or hairballs in children raised in households with pets. (10) One specific belief in some cultures, that cats will steal a child's breath during the night resulting in that child's death was specifically addressed by an expert panel on feline matters. The experts agreed that cats are evil breath stealing demons. (11)

Discipline

As Mayor of Belvidere, I am proud to discuss the success of our 2003 Down With Sass Campaign as well as our ten year anti-lollygagging initiative. The town's pledge to end independent thought in children by supporting my Zero Tolerance law has also had excellent result. But these do not apply to infants, who to not tend to respond to reason or psychological "pressure". They need a special approach which are discussed in my companion handbook "Spooner Jenkins' Infant Discipline Handbook.

1. Lambert R, Stewart M. Leeching your children as a deterrent of undesired behavior. Redbook; 29 March 1927, 53-54.
2. Belvidere Death Census, 1998-2007.
3. Sweet Baby Ray's Child Care Guide and Recipe Book, 2003.
4. Cochrane Review, 1953: Whining in Siblings of Newborn Infants.
5. Tyler C, Watson, J. Raccoons: Nature's Nannies. Nature; November 1883.
6. American Acid Mine Conglomeration (AAMC) Handbook on Productivity: Chapter 7 "Children in the Work Force", 1981.
7. Ross Pharmaceuticals Breastfeeding Support Initiative (Formerly La Leche League of Belvidere).
8. Waste Solved: The Essential Guide to Infant Waste Management and the Care of Your Dirty, Difficult-to-Clean Baby by Ryan Vartabian.
9. Campbell J, Glass B. Electroshock Therapy and Diaper Independence. Psychology Today; January 1942.
10. Cat Fancy Annual Evidence Based Medicine Spectacular, 1998.
11. Cat Loathe Annual Evidence Based Medicine Spectacular, 1998.

Belvidere Roll Call.....

2007-07-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of the Belvidere citizens you have met so far:

Spooner Jenkins-Mayor and Fire Chief
Agnes Jenkins- My wife and best friend
Lil Jim Barton and the Belvidere Playboys-Town band
Big Jim Barton-Recently released from prison and back on washboard for the Playboys
Randy Watson-Corndog stand owner, former owner of now defunct Chicken Taco Casserole stand
Myrna Miller-54 consecutive town bake-off wins (try her peach cobbler if you get the chance)
Maynard Wilks- Bitter rival of Myrna Miller
Fran Gill- Home Economics teacher at local school
Jimron Watkins- Student
Susabell Watkins- Student
Jimron Watkins Jr.- Student
Floyd Watkins- Father of Jimron Watkins, grandfather of Jimron Watkins Jr., and school janitor, gym teacher, hall monitor, and busdriver
Jethro Laney- Town car washer, sheriff, and head cook at Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe
Ronda- Owner of Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe
"Batty" the Batman of Belvidere- Mysterious creature
Murry "Mudpiles" Larkin- Belvidere sheep scientist
Bort Hickson- Belvidere's oldest citizen at 117 years old and owner of Grandma's Convenience Store
Strom and Bernetta Rose- Owners of the Rose Farm Bed and Breakfast
Strom Rose Jr., Bernetta Lynn Rose, Bernetta Sue Rose, Bernetta Jean Rose, Strom Rose III, Bernetta Strom Rose- Children of Strom and Bernetta Rose
Lucky the 5-legged cow- Lives on Rose Farm and helped judge the Town Slogan Contest
Reverend Blanche Watkins- Mauled to death by a wild turkey
Duane Frierson- Town taxidermist and currently missing in action
Stymie III- Belvidere Town Mascot (deceased)
Clift Broughton- Town animal husbandrist
Lynn Cauley- Moved here from Carleton to marry Clift
Slap Abbott- 12 year old wayward teen executed on February 28th, 2006
Milton Butts- Town entrepreneur with questionable mob ties
Maynard Jergens- Belvidere's only homeless person and long rumored to be the heir to the billion dollar Jergen's fortune
Frank Grimes- Town Chiropractor
Flippy Martinez- Son of Quiznos Martinez who owns the Subway down on Avenue D
Deek Newton- Killed by wheat thresher
Norris Pearle- Town letter carrier and part time salesman at Tug's John Deere Outlet
Tug and Willomina- Owners of Tug's John Deere Outlet
Durnk and Steen Philpot- Father and son corn farmers who claim to be behind the Belvidere horizontal cow phenomenon
Lumpkin Twins- Grew up in Belvidere and are now famous singers
Shank Wilburn- Owner and operator of the Belvidere Manuer Museum and Deli and former business associate of yours truly
Tilly Woodard- Belvidere wayward teen
Tim-Bob "Timmy Tobacco" Alvarez- Owner of Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack
Gladys Keiser- Head of Mothers Against Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack and owner of Gladys's Hair Parlor
Harold Farlis- Owner of Uncle Lester's Health Spa and Smokehouse
Derique- Member of the Belvidere Hambone Players
Hal Marque- Mysterious propietor of the Center Diner, rumored to hail from France, and previously involved with labor relations at a mid-sized company somewhere on the east coast
Scruff Pearsall- Belvidere resident and MC Nuts Fan Club president
Zorg XII- Belvidere Alien Overlord
Brim Pinkerton- Town astrologer currently attempting to find Duane Frierson
Storch McNamara- Owner of Belvidere lard farm and bucketing facility and currently on mission to locate Duane Frierson
Ring and Turt McNamara- Sons of Storch who are also searching for Duane Frierson
Breech Piltner- Belvidere hair vendor
Malt Callahan- Pecked to death while turniping in the forbidden zone
Shorty Lewis- Martyred while attempting to deliver doomsday device into turkey territory

Rum Turnips.....

2007-06-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Few drinks are more refreshing on a warm Summer night than a well prepared Rum Turnip. I pride myself on making one of the best Rum Turnips in Southern Nebraska. I probably shouldn't be doing this but here goes.

Spooner's Rum Turnip

Ingredients
1. Rum (I prefer a dark rum but any variety will do)
2. 1 large turnip, sqeezed
3. 5 large shrimp, boiled, with the shell
4. Tobasco sauce
5. Soda water
6. 1 large lemon chopped fine, seeds removed
7. Garlic powder
8. Salt
9. 1 large onion, chopped and sweated
10. Lard (the highest quality you can afford)

Equipment

1. Blender
2. Cheesecloth, extra fine weave
3. Muddler
4. 12oz glass tumbler

Instructions

Place the chopped and sweated onion, shrimp with shell, and chopped lemon in the blender. Add 6oz soda water and pulse for 10 seconds. Add 5 drops of tobasco sauce, pinch of salt, and garlic powder to taste. Pulse for additional 10 seconds. Grease the inside of the 12oz tumber with lard and strain the contents of blender through the cheesecloth into the glass. Use muddler to further break down any chunks. Add 1oz rum. Top off with turnip juice. Enjoy!

Let me know how it turns out.

Reading the Stars with Brim Pinkerton.....

2007-06-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what the future holds? I haven't. Well, at least I don't anymore. Why, you ask? It's because I have harnessed the science of reading the stars. My name is Brim Pinkerton and I have revolutionated the science of astrology by finally bringing it into the 2oth century with modern scientific techniques and the incorporation of advanced scientific methods of studying science such as Quantum Physics and more! Plus, I've updated the ancient art of astrological science with several new and improved signs of the Zodiac. And I have done this entirely using science!

(Did you know that science was used by the Right Family when they invented the first airplane and flew across the Atlantic? It's true!!!)

As a scientist for almost 60 years, I have worked on a number of scientific projects here in Belvidere. I was part of the committee that in 1968 first voted to consider updating the filtering process of our town water supply. At first I was skeptical considering that open cheese cloth had been effectively removing large particulate matter from our water supply, such as animal waste and chunks of wood and/or coal. But using modern scientific methods of analyzing data I came to the conclusion that upgrading to an extra fine weave might also filter smaller particles from the water supply such as small chunks of wood and/or coal and waste from smaller animals. Isn't science amazing?

(Did you know that in 1968, Astronauts used science to fly to the moon? They went there to study the effects of moon gravity on golf. It's true!!!)

I also played a key role in scientifically planning the 1973 Founder's Day Party, which included a World of Tomorrow booth. It was there that the citizens of Belvidere were first introduced to the wonders of tomorrow such as color televisions and car radios. Science!!! It was in 1974 that I first discovered the science of astrology and began to work on improving its predictive powers. As modern astrophysics has advanced, with the use of such powerful tools as the Hubble Spaceoscope and Quantum Physics, I too have scientifically improved the science of astrology.

Most people think of the Zodiac as having 12 signs. But did you know that Quantum Physics has actually revealed 3 additional signs. Using these additional signs of the Zodiac, as well as my patented scientific process, I can predict with 100% accuracy what your future might hold. Did I mention that my patented scientific process uses a computer? Computers!!!

(Here's me making scientific adjustments to my astrology computer. Notice my glasses and suit, the kind of clothes that scientists wear!)

But science, as wonderful as it is, isn't free. Because my astrology computer is too advanced and powerful at predicting the future, the government and Army have refused to fund my astrology studies. They refuse to even respond to my requests for financial support. Perhaps they are working on their own astrology computer. But I have the patents. The government doesn't give patents to just anything. So I have had to pay for my own studies here in town on many fine Belvidere citizens.

(Did you know that Einstein was patented by the government and the Army to develop his science advances. He went on to invent the microwave oven and nucleon bombs, with science. It's True!!!)

Listen to these testimonians of satisfied customers!

Being a scientist myself, and a doctor, I was intrigued by Brim Pinkerton's astrology computer. I took part in his scientific studies and discovered many things about my future. And all of them have come true exactly like the computer said! Amazing!!

-Frank Grimes

Town Chiropractor

I took part in Brim Pinkerton's astrology computer studies but wasn't impressed. Wasn't impressed until two days later when my dog Buck passed away for no apparent reason that is. Brim had predicted it! Then other things began to come true. My flowers all died. I had a flat tire when I went out to my car the following thursday. Agnes took a sudden trip to Strang.

-Spooner Jenkins

Mayor of Belvidere

It's hard to argue with results like that isn't it!

(Did you know that the so-called Theory of Evolution is not based on science. None of it. Real science says that we didn't come from monkeys. It's True!!!)

Now that I've used the power of science to prove that my astrology computer is 100% accurate, I want to bring the unparalleled benefits to the world. But I can't do it alone. That's right, I need your help. For a limited time, I will provide you a sneak peak into your future using my scientific astrology computer for the low fee of $37. All the answers you seek are within reach. Call today! I'm in the book!!!

The Search for Duane.....

2007-06-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since my last post, and three weeks since Duane Frierson bravely made his way into the heart of turkey controlled territory. There continues to be a lull in the attacks, and the only turkey related fatality during this time occured when Rand Harris choked to death on a hunk of lukewarm breast meat. He never would listen to his wife Soyabelle, preferring to gum his food rather than go to the trouble of finding his teeth.

I have decided to send a search party out into the forbidden zone so that the whereabouts and condition of Mr. Frierson might be known. Several of the towns sturdiest men have volunteered for the mission, which will likely lead them to their deaths. Storch McNamara, who owns a profitable lard farm and bucketing facility, has stepped up along with his two eldest boys Ring and Turt McNamara. Breech Piltner, longtime Belvidere hair vendor, and Brim Pinkerton, town astrologer, has joined the team as well. They will be leaving today. We wish them godspeed. Bring back our Duane boys!

All Quiet in the Southwest Quadrant?.....

2007-06-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

(Scientifically validated pet psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick)

Things have been quiet here in Belvidere lately, even in the Southwest Quadrant. There have been no turkey related fatalities reported for almost two weeks, the last being when Malt Callahan was pecked to death while turniping in the forbidden zone on the outskirts of the Southwest Quadrant. Malt did this despite the many warning signs posted about the dangers of entering an area frequently patrolled by Death Brigades. But there's been nary a gobble around these parts for the past 14 days. What has brought about this much needed respite? Perhaps a miracle, a blessing in the name of Duane Frierson.

For far too long the citizens of Belvidere have lived at the mercy of the roving Turkey Death Brigades patrolling the city and spreading fear and death, in particular throughout the infamous Southwest Quadrant. Thus far, attempts at negotiating a truce with these menacing devil birds have been met with obstinance, gobbling, and further bloodshed. Our defense perimeter has held strong but eventually, I fear, the turkeys will discover a weakness to exploit. My greatest concern is that they will at some point realize how easily they could simply fly over the perimeter defenses.

Our attempt at rendering the turkey breeding ground uninhabitable last winter via use of weapons grade avian distemper virus met with disasterous results. Shorty Lewis, who had bravely volunteered to deliver the device deep into the heart of turkey controlled territory, sadly met with a fate unbecoming of such a hero. Our plan was discovered, perhaps leaked by a turkey double or even triple agent in our midst, and now Shorty's desicated corpse serves as a steady reminder that the turkey is one of the most intelligent of God's creatures, and perhaps the deadliest. Belvidere scientists were at a loss for other methods of limiting their potential for a sustained offensive against our town. We were running out of options. But the winds of fate may have just changed their course and, instead of the stench of Shorty Lewis's rotting shell, are now carrying the sweet scent of freedom and lilacs.

After many months of letters and phone calls, Animal Planet finally officially declined to send scientifically validated pet psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick to Belvidere. My hope was that she might assist us in reaching an agreement with the turkeys and an ending the violence. Luckily, Belvidere citizen and master taxidermist Duane Friersons had recently discovered that he possesses psychic abilities and has volunteered to act in Ms. Fitzpatrick's place. This psychic ability, apparantly latent and entirely unexpected, was disovered by Frierson while working in the crawlspace of a neighbor's 1957 Craftsman Bungalow. Here is an excerpt of the letter written to me by Mr. Frierson explaining his newfound powers:

".....I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming sense of completeness and connection with the universe. I was aware man. I put down the bucket of termite poison and allowed the whole of existence to enter my willing vessel. Then I ate the grilled cheese sandwich that my wife had packed for me. When my buddy Stump Purvis, town gutter specialist, found me passed out three hours later I realized that I was psychic."

With that compelling testimonial to the awakening of his hidden paranormal potential, I was convinced. And that means something because, as all of you well know, I am a pretty skeptical person. But to be certain I ran things by Frank Grimes, town Chiropractor and Science Advisor to the Mayor, who felt that Duane's experience was well reasoned and thoroughly grounded in scientific plausibility. He said that Duane's story fit all of the classic signs of psychic emergence, especially the part about the sandwich.

I asked Duane to take the weight of Belvidere's hopes and dreams for a future where humans and turkeys could co-exist without fear of violence on his capable shoulders. He was at first hesitant but consented once he fully grasped the importance of his role as potential savior of our town. The last we saw of Duane was as he slowly but confidently crested the first of several large hills sitting between town and the turkey encampment about a half mile outside of the Southwest Quadrant perimeter defenses. That was two weeks ago and the silence of the turkeys continues.

The Old Woman's Tale Part II.....

2007-06-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

"Cigarette young man?", the old woman asked through her tobacco spittle moistened lips.

The thought of making a meal out of her offering of a bent Pall Mall made my stomach turn but I was intrigued at her offer to relate the tale of the town's haunted mass transit vehicle and I didnt' want to offend her simple country sensibilities. I fought back a vigorous gag as I placed the cigarette in my mouth and began to chew. My entire body recoiled from the experience and I gave in to the overwhelming urge to vomit.

"Don't worry, happens to everyone their first time son. It'll pass.", she explained as she placed a wrinkled and swollen jointed hand on my shoulder.

"Why.....would you.......do......that!", I exclaimed, each burst of speech quickly interrupted by waves of nausea and belly cramps.

"Why does the snake shed its skin? Why do bees make honey? Why do my canned beats grow fur if I let 'em set too long with the top off the jar?", she cackled, revealing her one shiny brown tooth.

She must have noticed the shift of my gaze from the ground to her isolated incisor because her smile widened with pride as she exclaimed, "That's my eatin tooth!" I couldn't help but chuckle at her lust for the experiences life provides. I wondered if I would find such joy in the years to come. My newfound vigor began to subside as I pondered my old age.

I believe that she sensed the drop in my spirits. Perhaps to cheer me up she began to spin the tale of Fairbury's haunted bus. Time stopped for us as she told her story, breaking every once in a while to place a fresh Pall Mall into her mouth. Once she paused for several seconds, seeming not to breath. I thought that perhaps this was in order so that she might remember her place in the telling but I worried that she might have died. She smiled and reassured me that she had only needed a moment to let some demons out of the back door.

The old woman was 11 when the Fairbury bus first began to make its run in 1927. It was much shinier back then, and had a good deal more vim as it carried passengers around town. The townfolk appreciated it for its cleanliness and for its convenience, and it was packed from sun up to sun down. That was until the first death.

By the time that the Fairbury bus had completed its first six months, nine people had died in or under it. Their deaths were sensless and unexplainable tragedies:

1. Tank Ragland Sr. was crushed to death by the hood while investigating a strange noise seemingly coming from the engine. A thorough investigation by the town mechanic found no reason for the prop to have given way. Tank was an experienced mechanic himself and would have certainly engaged it.

2. Steve Delacroix was decapitated by the bus while waiting to cross a city street. The right side panel stop sign activated as the bus drove by, catching Steve's head at 50 miles per hour. It rolled down to McTaggart's Ice Cream Parlor and settled in some nearby bushes. According to bus driver Dell Watts there is absolutely no explanation for how the sign extended as it required several turns of a crank which only the driver has access to.

3. Fergie Nixon was crushed to death by the bus as she attempted to retrieve a quarter that had rolled beneath it. The engine has been turned off and driver Dell Watts was on break taking a nap in one of the seats. He claims that the bus lurched forward and then backward several times before settling. The parking break was engaged.

4. Meacus Banner, town mechanic, died of carbon monoxide poisoning while taking a nap inside the bus which was parked inside his closed garage. An experienced mechanic such as Meacus would not have slept inside an idling vehicle parked in a closed garage.

5. Dirk Harris, City Comptroller, was killed while crossing a city street. Driver Dell Watts was unable to stop the bus. A thorough investigation found no defect in the break line or other reason for why the bus not only couldn't be stopped but also continued to accelerate into Comptroller Harris.

6, 7, 8, 9. Siblings Susan, Rod, Siggy, and Lewis Latimer, known around town as the Latimer Bunch, died while taking the bus to a rehearsal for an upcoming church play. Driver Dell Watts became worried when he no longer heard their voices and found their lifeless bodies when he stopped the bus to check on the children. Medical professionals were unable to discover a cause of death.

After the death of the Latimer Bunch, the town bus was decomissioned but once again called into service during World War Two when the replacement bus was confiscated by the army and made into artillery shells. By this time many had forgotten, or refused to remember, the grissly deaths involving the old bus and to this day no further unexplained tragedies have occured.

Many townspeople claim to feel a ghostly presence while riding on the bus. There are many reports of unexplained screams, temperature changes, and even the occasional sighting of shadowy figures either within or near the bus at night. But the many years that have passed since those tragic events in 1927 have led most folks to deny that they ever really existed. Now the bus has become a tourist attraction and a source of only mild interest to the citizens of Fairbury.

The old woman finished her story, and her last Pall Mall, just as the sun was beginning to disappear behind the horizon.

"Well that's my last cigarette, and that is my story young man. I only ask that you take to heart the events that befell this town. I'm the only one left who was there and who experienced the terror. And I'm not long for this world. Sometimes I feel as if the world has left me behind already. Not everything in life has a reason or an explanation. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. And nobody wants to be forgotten."

With that I left the old woman on her bench and headed back towards my car. A few minutes later I realized that I had forgotten to ask her name. I returned to the bench, the bus about which we had spent the better part of seven hours discussing having returned, only to find her perch empty. The driver, whose last name was Watts according to the cursive stitching on the left breast pocket of his uniform, was leaning against the side of the vehicle. The glow of his cigarette stood out in the failing light of the evening.

I inquired about the old woman but was met only with a blank stare.

"I saw you sittin on that bench as I pulled up and you weren't talkin to no old woman. I think you been out in the sun to long today pops.", he shared.

I wished him a good evening and headed back towards my car. It was late and I was starving. I lamented the fact that Agnes would be staying overnight in Strang to attend a pupil's piano recital. It is remarkable how many young boys and girls are interested in piano lessons in Strang, and how many recitals they have in that strange town. Before my thoughts could begin to wander, I heard a man's voice calling after me.

"Sir! Wait up!", the young bus driver shouted.

He approached, out of breath and sweating profusely.

"It was Susan....Susan Latimer. I found this on the bench and I just couldn't help myself. I must have just missed her or something I guess. I don't recognize the name anyhow and I pretty much know everybody 'round this shitsplat town. Here, take it."

He handed me a small folded piece of paper and ran back to his idling bus. I lifted up one half of the note and quickly read the brief message.

"Nobody wants to be forgotten.

Sincerely,
Susan Latimer"

That night, as I returned to Belvidere, I thought of something the old woman told me. Not everything in life has a reason or an explanation. I thought long and hard about that and promised to myself that I wouldn't forget.

The Old Woman's Tale Part I.....

2007-05-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. After two years of reliable service to both myself and this fair city, I retired my Commodore 128. Yes, Bertha served my well these past 24 months but the old girl just couldn't keep up with the rigorous demands of my job. After finding her a spot in my basement to begin gathering dust, I had to fill the vacancy in my office. So I drove down to nearby Fairbury, home of McNush Park, the oldest continuously boll weevil infested recreational facility in Southern Nebraska.

The Dell Computer store is located just down from McNush Park on the corner of 11th and J Street so I decided to go sit a spell and enjoy some lunch before shopping. Though right in the middle of the city, the cozy park feels well insulated from the hustle and bustle of the noisy city streets. The cool breeze against my cheeks and the mildly painful, yet hypnotic, bites from the boll weevils as they found their way up my pant leg allowed me to truly relax for the first time in a long while. I only wish that Agnes could have been there with me to enjoy the experience and not teaching those piano lessons to hobo children in Strang. What a saint she is.

I decided to take the opportunity to do some long and hard thinking about some things. This world is a mess. Just last night I watched a documentary on how to raise good Christian children called Jesus Camp. Seeing the way things should be made me realize just how bad things really are in America. Take global warming for instance. It was 55 degrees as I sat there in that park, watching some local kids rolling doobies. Now I typically don't approve of drug use because it doesn't support the American farmer. But they said they grew it themselves. Either way, it was cool out. Chilly even. Take that NASA and The Weather Channel!

These days kids don't have any purpose. Not in Belvidere though. There's nothing like the fear of being torn to ribbons by a roving band of mutant opposable thumbed turkeys to set a boy straight. Other than widespread indoctrination against people different from them perhaps. But then again that also just boils down to fear. Fear is good. Fear is the chum that provides sustenance for our insatiable desire to control our environment, whether it is what people should be allowed to believe, or not to believe; what we do behind closed doors, and who we do it with; or who is allowed to reap the bountiful harvest that democracy and George W. Bush have provided us.

I ended my respite, and finished up the cold roast beef sandwich I had packed for myself before leaving Belvidere. I took one long pause to take the beauty of McNush park in. There were no turkeys or irregular sheep to be found. The incessant din of the weevils as they devoured the few remaining shreds of plant life was a cacophony of delight. A small latino boy ate ice cream next to a rusty old jungle gym. And an old man licked mustard from the corner of his mouth before heading back towards the bus station.

There is just one bus that services the town of Fairbury and it's never late. Some of the folks around town say it is haunted but rarely do they agree on just who or what the ghostly spectre is that walks up and down the path between the seats, always stopping at the thick white line placed just prior to the driver's seat. I've always had a thing for ghost stories and I wanted to see for myself if this one was true.

The bus pulled up at a quarter past one and unloaded a motley assortment of passengers. A thin boy of about 7 or 8 jumped off the bus from the top step, biting his lower lip as he landed. He screamed in a mix of suprise and pain. I couldn't help but laugh at him and I immediately felt ashamed for doing so. A woman older than me by many years, maybe in her 90's, was helped off by two young men in baseball uniforms. One had a limp and a streak of blood trailing down his pants which originated at a large tear in the fabric just above his right knee.

"Did you at least win the game son?", I asked.

"What game?", the boy muttered as he ran off, the elderly woman now safely sitting on a nearby bench.

A few more folks, one of which was obviously drunk, exited the bus and headed their own seperate ways. Perhaps to their home or a local pub. I can't say for sure. Finally a beautiful young woman in a Dairy Queen uniform stepped down onto the curb from the lower step. I thought of Agnes immediately. Not because Agnes was a very a beautiful woman mind you but because the eyes were the same. A young man, equally attractive but missing an ear, ran up as if to embrace her. She pushed his arms down and looked nervously around. I couldn't make out the exact words as they walked towards Grimp's Hotel, but I know an angry woman when I hear one.

As the crowd dispersed I noticed the old woman again, still sitting quietly on her bench. After placing the remains of my lunch in a large metal bin I joined her.

"How's turnips?", I asked. "How's Turnips" being a common greeting in Southern Nebraska. Historians and etymologists have argued over the origin of the phrase with estimates ranging from the early 18th century to 1997.

"Turnips up, turnips down.", she replied as is the custom.

"More up than down I hope.", I said with a hearty laugh. She smiled, taking out a cigarette from her plain brown leather purse.

"Oh I don't smoke 'em so put your eyes back in your head holes!", the woman spat before placing a single unfiltered Pall Mall in her mouth. She began to chew vigorously.

"So what do you know about that bus? She really haunted?", I inquired.

"Yes. That bus is haunted. I'll tell you about it if you got the time. You got the time young fella?"

I nodded and she began to speak.....

Belvidere Scientician Saves an Old Mayor's Life.....

2007-05-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

(Tobacco researchist Tim-Bob Alvarez, DT)

For many years, Doctor of Tobaccology Tim-Bob Alvarez has toiled in researching the medicinal benefits of tobacco. You may remember my August 2006 post on the opening of his store and research facility Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack. If so, then you surely must remember some of the sound scientific facts regarding tobacco that I mentioned. Here's a reminder.

"1. A powerful remedy for colic. Just sprinkle some into your infant's formula or goat milk.
2. A sturdy pest repellant. Just apply a tobacco past around your house with special attention to doors and windows.
3. A flavorsome spice to improve any recipe. Nothing beats my own personal creation, "Tobacco Taters".
4. A soothing remedy for a bothersome cough. Just soak some tobacco leaves in hot water, add some honey and lemon, and gargle.
5. A calmitive for those restless nights. Just sprinkle an amount to your liking into a warm bath and bask in the aroma. But be careful not to fall asleep in the tub."

In that post I went further in discussing the established research already done on tobacco. I wrote, "In fact, studies show that children who smoke are 98% more likely to go on to smoke as adults, or at least until they die. And adults who smoke lead vibrant sophisticated lives. The same study found that the 2% of children who stop smoking also are more likely to suffer from problems associated with old age."

But don't just take my word for it. The amazing health benefits of tobacco have been known for centuries, even as far back as the dawn of creation some 6,000 years ago. Some Biblical scholars believe that there is evidence in the Holy Book itself that tobacco was a well respected and healthsome remedy for a wide range of ills. But whether it is the increased mental acuity, the maintenance of ideal and attractive body weight, or the more potent ability to drive Satan's demonic minions from the body of a possesed child, the overblown and unproven risks of smoking have so far been far outweighed by the substantial improvement in the mental and physical health of users.

Assaults on tobacco and tobacco based products such as tobacco flavored toothpaste and ice cream aside, smokers have always rationally weighed the risks versus the benefits with a level head. Sound tobaccology findings speak for themselves. Many people have criticized my support of tobacco and tobacco related research however. They claim to have their own science to back up their silly notions about lung cancer, heart disease, and stained teeth. This "junk science" is no more grounded in well designed scientific research than the myths involving global warming and condom use. These same people would probably also look you straight in the eye and deny the existence of now confirmed medical entities like Bonus Eruptus(BE), a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. Why don't these so called "skeptics" and "cynics" wake up and realize that their bitter fight to protect the status quo is harming people. People like me.

That's right, I have BE(Bonus Eruptus) and I would have never been diagnosed and cured, with the help of Dr. Alvarez's patented and FDA investigated transdental electromicide technique, if not for "mavericks" like Dr. Alvarez, who I credit with helping me to find the anwers I needed. He was the first to tell me that although BE is not a condition recognized by any "legitimate" medical association, many scienticians believe it to be an increasing cause of death among the elderly. Now that I'm no longer facing the once certain death associated with BE, I'm beginning to think that the line between the "legitimate" and the maverick is becoming more and more blurred. They didn't believe Galileo either and look what he did.

Thank you Dr. Alvarez! Let's all wish the good doctor luck as he embarks upon the educational adventure of lifetime. He will be moving out west to obtain his medical degree from the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. Good luck!

Belvidere Goes Nuts for MC Nuts.....

2007-04-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

(MC Nuts is coming to Belvidere!)

Now you know that I normally don't care for foreigners, and people around Belvidere don't tend to take to kindly to people not from around Belvidere. But I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the jolly folks from England who are practically Americans. There are many famous men and women from England that I'd be proud to call friend, and who will always have a place around the Jenkins' dinner table and a room at the Rose Farm Bed and Breakfast ready for them should they decide to come and visit for a spell. Here are just a few:

1. Charles Bronte- Star of the 1974 classic film Death Wish and author of Wuthering Heights, the book which the film was based on. It tells the tragic story of a Mr. Heathcliff who takes a violent revenge on those that thwarted his attempts at wooing his beloved Catherine.

2. Oliver "James" Cromwell- Lord Protector of England and nominated for an Academy Award as the farmer in Babe: Pig in the City.

3. Captain James Crunch- A famous explorer and cereal magnate, Captain Crunch established the first European colony in Australia and was the first European to visit Hawaii, the mysterious island and native habitat of crunchberries.

4. Stephen Hawking- World renowned horror novelist and theoretical physicist. He is probably most famous for his work on black holes and the revelation that they are the birthplace of blood thirsty demons hellbent on the destruction of humanity.

5. MC Nuts- Though now known to actually be Sir Ian McKellen in a squirrel costume, this rapping rodent has been busy bringing the beauty of the Cumbria Lake District to the people with a reworking of Wordsworth's Daffodils poem.

And now for the exciting announcement. MC Nuts himself will be making a visit to Belvidere next month! That's right, MC Nuts! A letter writing campaign organized by Scruff Pearsall, Belvidere resident and MC Nuts Fan Club president, was succesful. He will be performing some of his raps and speaking on the topic of global warming. Bring the whole family!

Belvidere Listing of Banned Books.....

2007-04-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

(The Rock)

Ever since Gladys Keiser's guest column I've received a number of letters and emails about her call for banning, and burning, books deemed unsuitable for the eyes and/or ears of the impressionable youth of Belvidere. And while I am not in favor of book burning, because of the risk of violating city fire codes, I am a huge fan of banning all kinds of books. It is an undeniable scientific fact that books have played a huge role in the degredation of modern society. Since the invention of the printing press alone there have been two world wars[one of which involved Hitler], the September 11th tragedy, and the creation of homosexuality by Darwinist scientists.

Here is a list of the books currently banned in Belvidere, and the reasons why:

1. Waiter, There's a Penis in My Soup by Clem Peterson-Improper usage of footnotes and multiple run-on sentences.

2. Mommy, Why is My Other Mommy a Lesbian by Thorn Moriarity- Copyright infringement.

3. My Chancre and Me: Tales of Sally Syphilis Part I by Steel Duchovny- Lack of proper citation and use of a non-standard and irregular font. These problems were largely corrected prior to parts II and III being published and these can be found at the Belvidere Library in the Adolescent/Young Adult section.

4. Henry Porter and the Magician's Rock by T. L. L. Folkien- Plagiarism

5. A Traveller's Guide to Hebron, Nebraska by the Hebron Chamber of Commerce- This clearly biased work of fiction shall have no place in my town. Hebron is a bloated and diseased fly that has set upon the valiant steed that is Nebraska.

6. Celebrity Biography: The Rock by Deaf Jim Jenkins- The public display of man nipples is expressely forbidden by Belvidere Civic Code 3872-1A.

I am currently looking for more books that need to be banned and would appreciate any suggestions. Agnes, my loving wife who usually helps me with such endeavors will be visiting nearby Strang, Nebraska for the annual running of the elderly war veterans.

An Apology to the Citizens of Belvidere.....

2007-04-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear citizens of Belvidere, Nebraska,

My name is Zorg XII and I am writing today to ask for your forgiveness. For the past year and a half, I have been visiting your town, abducting a number of you, peforming various genetic experiments on your sheep, and greatly accelerating the intelligence of your turkey population. In addition, I have been tipping over your cows. I assure you that, though this has been at times a great inconvenience to you, all of my endeavors have been done in the name of scientific progress. I would explain further but your primitive thinkwads(our word for brain) would not be able to comprehend the sheer complexity of my studies.

I humbly ask that you look deep into your four chambered oxygen saturated fluid pumping device and accept my apology. My species is far superior than yours both socially and technologically, and we have the power to wipe your kind from this planet with but the touch of a button. I'm not trying to threaten you, I just think that's pretty cool. But you really should forgive me or else. Seriously, I'm just kidding. No hard feelings?

It has recently come to my attention that some of you have been meeting to come up with a plan to stop my nightly experiments on your populace. Let me reassure you that any efforts on your part to disrupt my research would be profoundly disasterous. Once again, no pressure. I'm just saying I could eradicate you if I wanted to. We're still cool right?

Let me also take this opportunity to tell you what a nice time I have been having and how much I appreciate your help. You have a lovely town that I would hate to see reduced to flaming ruins over something as silly as notifying the United States government. I really don't see why they need to be involved in this. I am a little hurt that you didn't feel that we could work this out ourselves. But I guess I'm used to this kind of treatment by now. Do you know how hard it is being a single father out on the road with a million mouths to feed. If not for Ronda's meatloaf I don't know what I would have stored their larvae in. I can't wait for the little guys to emerge.

And speaking of emergence. I don't quite know how to say this but here goes. Could I borrow a few bucks? Now I know what you're thinking. Who does this guy think he is right? Hey, if I were you I would tell me to hit the road too but hear me out first. We are a team. We are in this together and not just because my offspring are developing inside of your juicy thinkwads. I really feel like we have a connection and that, if we can get past this awkward stage in our relationship, we might become good frieds. If you needed money I would help you out. I would do anything for you guys. Seriously.

Zorg XII

Around Town with Gladys Keiser.....

2007-04-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

(Guest columnist Gladys Keiser)

Nobody appreciates Springtime anymore. When I was a young girl growing up in Belvidere, I respected two things more than anything else: My parents and mother nature. You don't have to see a third of your family carried off by twisters and dirt devils to have a healthy attitude towards the grace and majesty of the elements, but it sure didn't hurt. Luckily my kin were just fine. Keisers are known for being hard headed. Maybe that's why we've been around these parts for nearly two centuries, tolerating everything from the Possum Fever outbreak of the 1840's to the more recent spate of UFO abductions. And all of these problems can be blamed on one thing: Kids today just don't have any respect.

In the days of my youth, on beautiful Belvidere Spring afternoons I looked forward to my chores. But not until I completed all my school assignments, which weren't bogged down with unnecessary frivolities like the science and math that so many impressionable young girls are exposed to these days. Today when I look around town, I see girls strutting around with their underwear showing and their hair down like street trollops. It's no wonder that boys can't concentrate on their business.

Maybe instead of watching that television contraption with its MTV and its Discovery Channel, future women of tomorrow should spend time reading more of the good book. Let the boys worry about silly things like sports and voting. Girls excel in other areas and that is the way it should be. Who says we need to have an opinion on everything. If it's happening in another country, then we don't need to worry about it.

There have been a lot of changes around Belvidere lately. Most of them not for the better. Do we really need two banks? Did Jesus preach about one hour martinizing? And I think it's about time we women ask our fathers or husbands if it's okay to do something about it. I propose the following list of improvements for our town:

1. Boycott evolution: I say from here on the streets of our fair city should be safe from the evils of changes in the frequency of alleles within a gene pool from one generation to the next.
2. Curfew: In my humble opinion, nothing good happens after 6pm with the exception of my Touched by an Angel reruns on PAX.
3. More book burnings: It isn't enough to just ban books, you have to burn them. I know of no better way to reach our most precious commodity, our children, than through fire and the smell of charred smut and/or occult propaganda.
4. Reopen Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Teens.
5. Invite Captain Abstinence to return for another visit to Belvidere.

The time has come to right the sinking ship that is Belvidere. Take action before it is too late. Do it for yourself. Do it for the children. Do it for old Gladys Keiser.

Zoo Improvement Suggestions.....

2007-03-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

(Nature lover and zoo patron Duane Frierson.)

Dear Mayor Jenkins,

Hello, my name is Duane Frierson. You may remember the work I did on your dog Buck a few years back. You especially appreciated the hand painted eye detailing and the realistic scrotum. But today I'm not writing to you as an expert taxidermist but as a long time lover of nature and citizen of Belvidere. I have some suggestions regarding the Belvidere Zoo.

1. More squirrels. Due to the deserved popularity of the Friday squirrel fights their numbers are decreasing rapidly.

2. Weekend hours. This one speaks for itself.

3. Bring back the "You catch it you eat it!" policy, though this may put further strain on the already dwindling squirrel population.

4. More air holes in the "Touch and Learn: Mystery Animal in a Box" exhibit in the children's area. Nothing makes a child more sad than a dead pit viper.

5. More high voltage electric fences. They are practical and fun though, once again, I do have concerns about the deleterious effects on the overall squirrel density of the zoo.

6. Get a panda. China has lots of them and I hear they ship in 3-5 business days. Perhaps we could work out some kind of exchange program. I hear they do not have muskrat over there. See suggestion #4 prior as it may apply if this is something you are considering.

7. Enclose the tern exhibit. Damn terns keep stealing my Cheetos!

8. Many animals should be kept in seperate enclosures. I like to see a mountain lion take on a river otter as much as the next guy but is it really the image tha the zoo wants to put forth? Think of the children. You may think that I am being hypocritical in light of my earlier endorsement of the squirrel death matches, however those take place after hours.

9. What happened to the Hobo exhibit? This was my favorite stop for as long as I can remember. As a child I remember bringing week old bread and large rocks to throw at them, ordering them to dance for their supper all the while. Those were heady days indeed.

10. Can I have my dog back?

Sincerely,

Duane Frierson

Helpful Advice from a Belvidere Celebrity.....

2007-03-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

(Belvidere taxidermist and camera owner Duane Frierson.)

With rare exception, the Belvidere Turnipfest held every other April being one, not a week goes by that I don't get a good many letters from my fellow Belviderians. Most of these are simply the good folk of this town wanting to show their support or just to give me a great big Belvidere hello. But every now and then I get a letter full of helpful suggestions. One such letter came recently from town taxidermist Duane Frierson, who most people in this neck of the woods know from his stunning work on the remains of our third, and most beloved, town mascot Stymie III.

(Former town mascot Stymie III, who died and is now forever immortalized doing what he loved most in this world.)

Duane is a nature lover and a camera owner, the only one in Belvidere. And he is known to enjoy exploring the harsh Turkey dominated yet otherwise featureless wastlands that exist beyond the outskirts of town. In fact, he has been nationally recognized by the Washington State Sasquatch Search Group as the only person to have not only witnessed, but photographed the elusive Batman of Belvidere, seen pictured below battling the Power Rangers.

In Duane's letter, several concerns were raised about the Belvidere Zoo and suggestions for improvement were provided. I can't tell you how much I appreciate Duane's taking the time to write to me. He is a busy man, and in much demand for his taxidermy services. Of course it is easy to see why every time I look into the plastic hand painted eyes of my dog Buck, who can always be found waiting paitiently for me when I get home thanks to the magic of taxidermy.

Spring Cleaning in Belvidere.....

2007-03-22T06:32:00.000-07:00

(Dr. Grimes says its time to think about your colon.)

Spring is slowly making its presence known here in our fair city. Soon the stately goldenrods will be in bloom, sending their sweet fragrance into the air and signaling the July through October mating season of our fine state's official insect: The Honeybee. At that point, so as to protect their innocence, all the children of Belvidere will be locked within their homes. But until then the laughter of children will be heard all the way from 11th Street to 1st and A, with the exception of the Southwest Quadrant which is now under total control of the Turkey Death Brigades.

Spring is a time of renewal in Belvidere, and for many it is a time to break out the non-standard cleaning supplies for some Spring cleaning. Everywhere I look there are gardens being mulched, rugs being beaten out on the veranza, and hobo bones being carried out to trash receptacles. Come next week, Belvidere's clutter will be a memory, as will its migrant worker population which had come to seek shelter after the hobo encampment near Strang was mysteriously burned to the ground. My wife Agnes has been there all week taking part in the reconstruction effort.

But Spring should not just be about cleaning up your house, or disposing of human remains found under your front porch. It should also be a time to focus on ways to renew your committment to good health. Folks around here know that part of being a citizen of Belvidere is being free of disease. And what better way is there to get a jump start on a healthier lifestyle than a trip to Uncle Lester's Health Spa and Smokehouse located on 9th and D right next to the Hambone Hut where our world class Hambone Players perform bimonthly. Uncle Lester's is the only health spa in Belvidere to be endorsed by Town Chiropractor Frank Grimes and to house its very own smokehouse which serves some of the finest smoked deer sausage I've ever tasted.

(Derique of the Belvidere Hambone Players)

Owner Harold Farlis, who recently brought Uncle Lester's Health Spa and Smokehouse to Belvidere from far away Indianapolis, Indiana was recently featured in a peer reviewed scientific article by medical doctor Roberts Lambert on his website, Musings of a Disimpacted Mind. It really is a perfect example of what in my opinion is the most comforting aspect of the care you will receive at Uncle Lester's. Whether it is a cleansing colonic, something I highly recommend, or a plate of mouth watering ribs, everything they do is a backed by real science. And not just chiropractic science either. Did I mention that Roberts Lambert is a medical doctor???!!!

I'm am asking all citizens of Belvidere to pay close attention to their bodies and seriously consider taking a positive step towards a healthier tomorrow. Even if you think you are healthy, you probably just aren't looking deep enough or possibly you have been brainwashed by skeptics like Clark Bartram. Clearly Mr. Bartram has never experienced the joy of a quality colonic. Here is Dr. Grimes' foolproof way to scientifically investigate whether or not you might need a colonic. With a sensitivity of over 100% and a specificity of just a frog's hair above 3%, you can't lose.

Ask yourself, do you suffer from any of the following conditions:

Back Pain, Depression, Forgetfulness, Drowsiness, Bloating, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Indigestion, Nausea, Sinus Problems, Bad Breath, Constipation, Diarrhea, Flatulence, Arthritis, Dementia, Headaches, Asthma, Allergies, Body Odor, Foot Odor, Insomnia, Chronic Fatigue, Acne

Have you found yourself using any of the following items or taking part in any of the following activities:

Taking antibiotics, Bathing in tap water, Drinking tap water, Driving in a car in heavy traffic, Hair dyes, Fingernail polish, Standard cleaning products, Toothpaste with fluoride, Eating at Fast food restaurants, Eating shellfish, Using artificial sweeteners, Not drinking enough purified water, Have less than 2 bowel movements daily, Drinking sodas, Walking barefoot on grass, Taking prescription drugs

Do you suffer from any of the following physical symptoms:

Back pain, Change in appetite, Chest pain, Constipation or diarrhea, Dry mouth, Extreme tiredness, General aches and pains, Headaches, High blood pressure, Insomnia (trouble sleeping), Lightheadedness, Palpitations (the feeling that your heart is racing), Sexual problems, Shortness of breath, Stiff neck, Sweating, Upset stomach, Weight gain or loss

(Turkeys patrolling a street in the Southwest Quadrant of Belvidere)

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you owe it to yourself to visit Uncle Lester's for a sure fire way to improve your health. And be sure to tell em Spooner sent you. If you do, they'll throw in a free side of turnip fritters.

Springtime in Belvidere.....

2007-03-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

(An example of the hand carved wooden greeting cards mailed by frontier laboratories to patients unlucky enough to have tested positive for Bloody Flux.)

March is usually an exciting time here in Belvidere. Sadly I have been in nearby Hebron, Nebraska over the past two days arranging the affairs of my recently passed away Great Aunt Ephromina Jenkins. She lived until the ripe age 97 years young, finally succumbing to the ravages of time and a bottle a day grain alcohol habit. I tried for years to get her to stop but she refused, citing a study published in 1860 in the Annals of Pioneer Medicine which associated decreased rates of Bloody Flux and Possum Fever among early settlers of Nebraska with daily grain alcohol ingestion.

With hindsight at my disposal, it is easy to point out the numerous flaws in this study:

1. There were, at the time, no established diagnostic criteria for either Bloody Flux or Possum Fever. Many of the included cases may actually have been of Prairie Rot or Sorghum Fever.

2. The type and amount of grain alcohol ingested was not taken into account.

3. Some of the participants were women.

4. Some of the participants were non-Christian.

5. Some of the participants were Chinese.

6. There was no use of healthy convicts as control subjects purposefully inoculated with Bloody Flux or Possum Fever.

7. The authors of the study were likely biased as they were also the producers of Hillbilly Jim's Bloody Flux and Possum Fever Tonic which consisted of over 90% grain alcohol.

8. The study was funded by the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Frontier Medicine.

Regardless of my earnest and persistent entreaties, my Great Aunt would not listen to reason. I guess that isn't too suprising considering how many years she spent in Hebron. They are known for their ill manners and unreasonable sheep policies. Many an irregular sheep has found refuge in Hebron and there is word that Turkey Death Brigades have been given safe harbor within their city limits. I'm sure glad to be back in my home town where the sheep are regular, the turkeys are shot on sight, and the meatloaf costs $3 dollars.

(The Belvidere Possum, carrier of Possum Fever and right tasty with taters!)

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins

Chicken Mondays at the TCD.....

2007-03-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

(Chicken Monday at the TCD. They don't take reservations so you better go early!)

This morning I woke up from the strangest dream I'd had for as long as I could remember. Something about Agnes leaving me for a deaf man and me taking to the road on my old Ducati Elite. Then, after I track them down for some reason, Agnes and the brute poisoned me. Don't that beat all? Regardless, I woke up with a mean hunger for some turnip salad. And there is only one place in town to go for a mess of good turnips.

Located on the corner of 9th and C street, in the heart of Belvidere's vibrant art district, is the Center Diner, known as "the TCD" by its more bohemian patrons and home of Chicken Mondays. It is the only place in town where you can play checkers while enjoying an imported beer on tap. The folks at the TCD know that nothing goes better with beer than chicken, and every Monday they will prepare some for you any way you like it except deviled. And speaking of beer, their beer list is a fun way to travel around the world without having to get a passport because there are representatives from nearly 5 countries to be tasted. You do have to be over 21 though.

The hoppy Budweiser, all the way from Germany, is a great complement to almost any style of chicken but I prefer it with a steaming pile of poached poultry. Olde English "800", a classic ale from just across the pond, comes in a convenient 40 ounce serving that is great for sharing with a friend or loved one. And I can't imagine anything better with a piping hot pile of the TCD's famous Chicken Fried Chicken. Rounding out the choices are Milwaukee's Best, from right here in the United States, and Natural Light, which I believe comes from Prague. Both are right tasty with Chicken on the Cob, a delightful presentation of a fire roasted corn on the cob placed inside the body cavity of a whole chicken and served with turnip salad. Baked chicken is also nice.

The TCD is the only diner in Belvidere never to have been shut down for unsanitary conditions and has long served as the only competition to Ronda's meatloaf monopoly in this fine city. There has certainly been a history of friction between Ronda, the owner of Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe, and Hal Marque, the mysterious propietor of the Center Diner who is rumored to hail from France and to have been previously involved with labor relations at a mid-sized company somewhere on the east coast.

Both Ronda and Hal are lively characters in this fine city and always good for a laugh or a tart reply. But a top American City like Belvidere has more than enough room to accomodate bustling businesses like these. Some nights you feel like chicken and on others you just have a hankering for meatloaf. Sometimes both, especially when Agnes is away visiting her sick friend in Strang. Isn't that what life is all about?

Mayor Jenkins in Action.....

2007-03-18T19:35:00.000-07:00