Friday, July 20, 2007

Genetically Modified Crops in Belvidere?.....

(A dramatization to illustrate the health concerns of genetically modified crops. This really isn't Death, it is a man in a Death suit. But Death could really be there, or anywhere, because he is invisible.)

Every week I get letters from townsfolk with concerns about goings on here in Belvidere. Many of these questions are scientific in nature. As many of you already know, I have asked Dr. Frank Grimes our town chiropractor to serve as my science advisor. He has graciously accepted and already the benefits have become clear. It was Dr. Grimes who suggested that, based on our current understanding of the human body as a conduit of innate healing lifeforce from God, that Belvidere should block all shipments of genetically modified foodstuffs into the city. That's right, since late May every bite of food you take in Belvidere, whether it is some of Ronda's steamed ham or a turnip salad from the Center Diner, was made by our Holy Father.

A little over a year ago, I received a letter from Flippy Martinez, who is the son of Quiznos Martinez who owns the Subway down on Avenue D. Mr. Martinez, a Sandwich Artist at his father's store, was concerned about a new product available here in town at the time. Here was what he had to say.

"Dear Dr. Jenkins,

I was just at Grandma's and noticed that some of the products contain genetically modified corn. I heard that genetically modified corn contains animal genes and that the Bible says that genetically modifying corn is a sin. Should I burn the town down or just Grandma's.

Flippy Martinez"

Here was my reply.

"First off, I'm not a doctor although I have been offered an honorary degree from the Belvidere Technical and Cow Related Science Institute. Second, what a great question Flippy. I've often thought about the potential health concerns related to eating genetically modified, or GM, crops. So as usual I turned to a trusted source of information on this topic, the intranet.

One trusted source on the environment, and the scientific ramifications of fiddling around with it, is Greenpeace. Greenpeace has been protecting the environment without an agenda for years and reading their
article on GM crops was very revealing. My search then led me to Dr. Mercola's website, another bastian of integrity, science, and consumer advocacy. There I found some mind blowing revelations about GM crops, their hidden dangers, and the conspiracy to sneak them into the food supply. I then spent several more hours scouring the intranet for trustworthy information on GM crops from sources such as Pat Robertson, Deepak Chopra, and the Committee for the Scientific Advancement of Removing Science From Public Schools(CSARSFPS) headed by Michael Behe and Phillip Johnson. I'll condense everything you need to know into 5 easy to remember points Flippy:

1. Genetical Modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory. These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and thus the Bible so to answer your question, yes Flippy it is a sin. But don't burn down the town or Grandma's. Instead write a letter to your Congressman.

2. Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes.

3. Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than the God created variety. This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option to choose between natural and GM crops.

4. Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects.

5. It is already a medically accepted fact that GM crops lead to a variety of health problems: chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic lyme disease, Wilson's thyroid syndrome, toxic mold, fibromyalgia, subluxations, stagnant Chi, Morgellon's disease, Candida hypersensitivity, neuralgia-inducing cavitational osteonecrosis, and many more.

I hope that this anwers all of your question Flippy."

Now Mr. Martinez, were he alive today, would no longer have to live in fear of genetically modified corn. Nobody does anymore. They only have to live in fear of deadly roving bands of killer turkeys and the mysterious threat of death from below, possibly by badger attack. And I no longer have to worry about answering difficult scientific questions from concerned Belvidere citizens because Dr. Grimes will be at my beck and call, ready to serve his beloved town.

Spooner Jenkins


The Laundress said...

gun smokin' righteous!

Your future is coming on...

Shinga said...

Why hasn't the National Guard been mobilised? It's the question on everyone's lips and someone had to ask it...

Spooner Jenkins said...

Belvidere takes care of itself. I don't believe there is anything that we can't handle. We are no strangers to adversity by a long shot. In the immortal words of ABBA,

"Tonight the Super trouper lights are gonna find me,
Shining like the sun.
(sup-p-per troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun.
(sup-p-per troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one."