Thursday, March 22, 2007

Spring Cleaning in Belvidere.....

(Dr. Grimes says its time to think about your colon.)

Spring is slowly making its presence known here in our fair city. Soon the stately goldenrods will be in bloom, sending their sweet fragrance into the air and signaling the July through October mating season of our fine state's official insect: The Honeybee. At that point, so as to protect their innocence, all the children of Belvidere will be locked within their homes. But until then the laughter of children will be heard all the way from 11th Street to 1st and A, with the exception of the Southwest Quadrant which is now under total control of the Turkey Death Brigades.

Spring is a time of renewal in Belvidere, and for many it is a time to break out the non-standard cleaning supplies for some Spring cleaning. Everywhere I look there are gardens being mulched, rugs being beaten out on the veranza, and hobo bones being carried out to trash receptacles. Come next week, Belvidere's clutter will be a memory, as will its migrant worker population which had come to seek shelter after the hobo encampment near Strang was mysteriously burned to the ground. My wife Agnes has been there all week taking part in the reconstruction effort.

But Spring should not just be about cleaning up your house, or disposing of human remains found under your front porch. It should also be a time to focus on ways to renew your committment to good health. Folks around here know that part of being a citizen of Belvidere is being free of disease. And what better way is there to get a jump start on a healthier lifestyle than a trip to Uncle Lester's Health Spa and Smokehouse located on 9th and D right next to the Hambone Hut where our world class Hambone Players perform bimonthly. Uncle Lester's is the only health spa in Belvidere to be endorsed by Town Chiropractor Frank Grimes and to house its very own smokehouse which serves some of the finest smoked deer sausage I've ever tasted.

(Derique of the Belvidere Hambone Players)

Owner Harold Farlis, who recently brought Uncle Lester's Health Spa and Smokehouse to Belvidere from far away Indianapolis, Indiana was recently featured in a peer reviewed scientific article by medical doctor Roberts Lambert on his website, Musings of a Disimpacted Mind. It really is a perfect example of what in my opinion is the most comforting aspect of the care you will receive at Uncle Lester's. Whether it is a cleansing colonic, something I highly recommend, or a plate of mouth watering ribs, everything they do is a backed by real science. And not just chiropractic science either. Did I mention that Roberts Lambert is a medical doctor???!!!

I'm am asking all citizens of Belvidere to pay close attention to their bodies and seriously consider taking a positive step towards a healthier tomorrow. Even if you think you are healthy, you probably just aren't looking deep enough or possibly you have been brainwashed by skeptics like Clark Bartram. Clearly Mr. Bartram has never experienced the joy of a quality colonic. Here is Dr. Grimes' foolproof way to scientifically investigate whether or not you might need a colonic. With a sensitivity of over 100% and a specificity of just a frog's hair above 3%, you can't lose.

Ask yourself, do you suffer from any of the following conditions:

Back Pain, Depression, Forgetfulness, Drowsiness, Bloating, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Indigestion, Nausea, Sinus Problems, Bad Breath, Constipation, Diarrhea, Flatulence, Arthritis, Dementia, Headaches, Asthma, Allergies, Body Odor, Foot Odor, Insomnia, Chronic Fatigue, Acne

Have you found yourself using any of the following items or taking part in any of the following activities:

Taking antibiotics, Bathing in tap water, Drinking tap water, Driving in a car in heavy traffic, Hair dyes, Fingernail polish, Standard cleaning products, Toothpaste with fluoride, Eating at Fast food restaurants, Eating shellfish, Using artificial sweeteners, Not drinking enough purified water, Have less than 2 bowel movements daily, Drinking sodas, Walking barefoot on grass, Taking prescription drugs

Do you suffer from any of the following physical symptoms:

Back pain, Change in appetite, Chest pain, Constipation or diarrhea, Dry mouth, Extreme tiredness, General aches and pains, Headaches, High blood pressure, Insomnia (trouble sleeping), Lightheadedness, Palpitations (the feeling that your heart is racing), Sexual problems, Shortness of breath, Stiff neck, Sweating, Upset stomach, Weight gain or loss

(Turkeys patrolling a street in the Southwest Quadrant of Belvidere)

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you owe it to yourself to visit Uncle Lester's for a sure fire way to improve your health. And be sure to tell em Spooner sent you. If you do, they'll throw in a free side of turnip fritters.

1 comment:

Rob said...

This is an honor beyond expression. I find great satisfaction to be such a help to so many. I too have undergone spring cleaning. Yes, it's the end the cleanse of my colon, and I feel fine.

Spooner, it is great to see you back where you belong.