Belvidere Scientician Saves an Old Mayor's Life.....

(Tobacco researchist Tim-Bob Alvarez, DT)

For many years, Doctor of Tobaccology Tim-Bob Alvarez has toiled in researching the medicinal benefits of tobacco. You may remember my August 2006 post on the opening of his store and research facility Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack. If so, then you surely must remember some of the sound scientific facts regarding tobacco that I mentioned. Here's a reminder.

"1. A powerful remedy for colic. Just sprinkle some into your infant's formula or goat milk.
2. A sturdy pest repellant. Just apply a tobacco past around your house with special attention to doors and windows.
3. A flavorsome spice to improve any recipe. Nothing beats my own personal creation, "Tobacco Taters".
4. A soothing remedy for a bothersome cough. Just soak some tobacco leaves in hot water, add some honey and lemon, and gargle.
5. A calmitive for those restless nights. Just sprinkle an amount to your liking into a warm bath and bask in the aroma. But be careful not to fall asleep in the tub."

In that post I went further in discussing the established research already done on tobacco. I wrote, "In fact, studies show that children who smoke are 98% more likely to go on to smoke as adults, or at least until they die. And adults who smoke lead vibrant sophisticated lives. The same study found that the 2% of children who stop smoking also are more likely to suffer from problems associated with old age."

But don't just take my word for it. The amazing health benefits of tobacco have been known for centuries, even as far back as the dawn of creation some 6,000 years ago. Some Biblical scholars believe that there is evidence in the Holy Book itself that tobacco was a well respected and healthsome remedy for a wide range of ills. But whether it is the increased mental acuity, the maintenance of ideal and attractive body weight, or the more potent ability to drive Satan's demonic minions from the body of a possesed child, the overblown and unproven risks of smoking have so far been far outweighed by the substantial improvement in the mental and physical health of users.

Assaults on tobacco and tobacco based products such as tobacco flavored toothpaste and ice cream aside, smokers have always rationally weighed the risks versus the benefits with a level head. Sound tobaccology findings speak for themselves. Many people have criticized my support of tobacco and tobacco related research however. They claim to have their own science to back up their silly notions about lung cancer, heart disease, and stained teeth. This "junk science" is no more grounded in well designed scientific research than the myths involving global warming and condom use. These same people would probably also look you straight in the eye and deny the existence of now confirmed medical entities like Bonus Eruptus(BE), a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. Why don't these so called "skeptics" and "cynics" wake up and realize that their bitter fight to protect the status quo is harming people. People like me.

That's right, I have BE(Bonus Eruptus) and I would have never been diagnosed and cured, with the help of Dr. Alvarez's patented and FDA investigated transdental electromicide technique, if not for "mavericks" like Dr. Alvarez, who I credit with helping me to find the anwers I needed. He was the first to tell me that although BE is not a condition recognized by any "legitimate" medical association, many scienticians believe it to be an increasing cause of death among the elderly. Now that I'm no longer facing the once certain death associated with BE, I'm beginning to think that the line between the "legitimate" and the maverick is becoming more and more blurred. They didn't believe Galileo either and look what he did.

Thank you Dr. Alvarez! Let's all wish the good doctor luck as he embarks upon the educational adventure of lifetime. He will be moving out west to obtain his medical degree from the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. Good luck!