Friday, May 11, 2007

Belvidere Scientician Saves an Old Mayor's Life.....

(Tobacco researchist Tim-Bob Alvarez, DT)

For many years, Doctor of Tobaccology Tim-Bob Alvarez has toiled in researching the medicinal benefits of tobacco. You may remember my August 2006 post on the opening of his store and research facility Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack. If so, then you surely must remember some of the sound scientific facts regarding tobacco that I mentioned. Here's a reminder.

"1. A powerful remedy for colic. Just sprinkle some into your infant's formula or goat milk.
2. A sturdy pest repellant. Just apply a tobacco past around your house with special attention to doors and windows.
3. A flavorsome spice to improve any recipe. Nothing beats my own personal creation, "Tobacco Taters".
4. A soothing remedy for a bothersome cough. Just soak some tobacco leaves in hot water, add some honey and lemon, and gargle.
5. A calmitive for those restless nights. Just sprinkle an amount to your liking into a warm bath and bask in the aroma. But be careful not to fall asleep in the tub."

In that post I went further in discussing the established research already done on tobacco. I wrote, "In fact, studies show that children who smoke are 98% more likely to go on to smoke as adults, or at least until they die. And adults who smoke lead vibrant sophisticated lives. The same study found that the 2% of children who stop smoking also are more likely to suffer from problems associated with old age."

But don't just take my word for it. The amazing health benefits of tobacco have been known for centuries, even as far back as the dawn of creation some 6,000 years ago. Some Biblical scholars believe that there is evidence in the Holy Book itself that tobacco was a well respected and healthsome remedy for a wide range of ills. But whether it is the increased mental acuity, the maintenance of ideal and attractive body weight, or the more potent ability to drive Satan's demonic minions from the body of a possesed child, the overblown and unproven risks of smoking have so far been far outweighed by the substantial improvement in the mental and physical health of users.

Assaults on tobacco and tobacco based products such as tobacco flavored toothpaste and ice cream aside, smokers have always rationally weighed the risks versus the benefits with a level head. Sound tobaccology findings speak for themselves. Many people have criticized my support of tobacco and tobacco related research however. They claim to have their own science to back up their silly notions about lung cancer, heart disease, and stained teeth. This "junk science" is no more grounded in well designed scientific research than the myths involving global warming and condom use. These same people would probably also look you straight in the eye and deny the existence of now confirmed medical entities like Bonus Eruptus(BE), a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. Why don't these so called "skeptics" and "cynics" wake up and realize that their bitter fight to protect the status quo is harming people. People like me.

That's right, I have BE(Bonus Eruptus) and I would have never been diagnosed and cured, with the help of Dr. Alvarez's patented and FDA investigated transdental electromicide technique, if not for "mavericks" like Dr. Alvarez, who I credit with helping me to find the anwers I needed. He was the first to tell me that although BE is not a condition recognized by any "legitimate" medical association, many scienticians believe it to be an increasing cause of death among the elderly. Now that I'm no longer facing the once certain death associated with BE, I'm beginning to think that the line between the "legitimate" and the maverick is becoming more and more blurred. They didn't believe Galileo either and look what he did.

Thank you Dr. Alvarez! Let's all wish the good doctor luck as he embarks upon the educational adventure of lifetime. He will be moving out west to obtain his medical degree from the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. Good luck!


The Laundress said...

Aw Spooner,

I started smoking when I was Eelven.

I have smoked my way through painful, rib-crunching pneumonia. Through terrifying, breath-choking asthma.

Smoking (the process of inhaling burning tobacco into the lungs) is one of the most under-rated and misunderstood pleasures in life.

Hell, even if it kills you, it makes you feel so alive.

Your non-smoking, no-longer hot,
weary old pal... who is (barely) surviving on fumes

Shinga said...

Indeed, Spooner, it was serendipity that brought Dr. Alvarez, the only person capable of diagnosing BE your way. And we must be so thankful that you have a ready supply of such a useful medicinal herb and are confident of access to it in the future, if the orthodox conspiracy of Big Pharma and Evil Dolphins should somehow manage to restrict its availability.

I'm sure that if more people could read your testimonial of the force for good that it has been in your life, they would storm the doors of that narrow-minded Surgeon General and demand access to it.

Regards - Shinga

Spooner Jenkins said...

Lundry and Shinger, thanks for your interest in my post and the great city of Belvidere. I would be more than happy to send out a visitor's information packet, complete with a gift certificate for a free side order at Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe!

And if you do come to visit a spell, be sure to bring your own toiletries. The turkeys have taken control of the main access road to Grandma's Convenience Store and our attempts at a peaceful resolution of this conflict have thus far been met with a steady retort of gobbles and homemade pipe bombs.

I have to admit that I'm not familiar with the dolphins of which you spake. I imagine that England, being surrounded entirely by water, might be in trouble should a contingency of super intelligent swimming mammals surround the place thus cutting off supply routes. Of course you could always fly them in.

Shinga said...

Goodness, Spooner. Have the turkeys been nibbling on the wacky tobacco - has this facilitated the genetic mutation that has produced opposable thumbs to allow for the construction of pipe bombs or is there a subversive force that is supplying them to the birds?

There is an expression in parts of England, Pharma Bad, Dolphins Good and it was that I had in mind. However, I appreciate the words of wisdom on the dolphins. I was just reading yesterday about a book that upbraids us for failing to anticipate the unlikely and suffering the consequences of it. Has the UK govt. formulated contingency plans against a blockade by dolphins - I should enquire.

Regards - Shinga

Clark Bartram said...

I can't imagine that Parliament hasn't thought long and hard about the possibility of dolphin invasion. George Clinton is a brilliant tactition and once visited Belvidere when his tour bus broke down. I overheard a dolphin once exclaim, when he apparantly did not realize he was in mixed company, that their plan was to become humanity's best friend, because when something goes down, and something will go down, who would suspect a best friend.