Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Belvidere Roll Call.....

Here is a list of the Belvidere citizens you have met so far:

Spooner Jenkins-Mayor and Fire Chief
Agnes Jenkins- My wife and best friend
Lil Jim Barton and the Belvidere Playboys-Town band
Big Jim Barton-Recently released from prison and back on washboard for the Playboys
Randy Watson-Corndog stand owner, former owner of now defunct Chicken Taco Casserole stand
Myrna Miller-54 consecutive town bake-off wins (try her peach cobbler if you get the chance)
Maynard Wilks- Bitter rival of Myrna Miller
Fran Gill- Home Economics teacher at local school
Jimron Watkins- Student
Susabell Watkins- Student
Jimron Watkins Jr.- Student
Floyd Watkins- Father of Jimron Watkins, grandfather of Jimron Watkins Jr., and school janitor, gym teacher, hall monitor, and busdriver
Jethro Laney- Town car washer, sheriff, and head cook at Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe
Ronda- Owner of Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe
"Batty" the Batman of Belvidere- Mysterious creature
Murry "Mudpiles" Larkin- Belvidere sheep scientist
Bort Hickson- Belvidere's oldest citizen at 117 years old and owner of Grandma's Convenience Store
Strom and Bernetta Rose- Owners of the Rose Farm Bed and Breakfast
Strom Rose Jr., Bernetta Lynn Rose, Bernetta Sue Rose, Bernetta Jean Rose, Strom Rose III, Bernetta Strom Rose- Children of Strom and Bernetta Rose
Lucky the 5-legged cow- Lives on Rose Farm and helped judge the Town Slogan Contest
Reverend Blanche Watkins- Mauled to death by a wild turkey
Duane Frierson- Town taxidermist and currently missing in action
Stymie III- Belvidere Town Mascot (deceased)
Clift Broughton- Town animal husbandrist
Lynn Cauley- Moved here from Carleton to marry Clift
Slap Abbott- 12 year old wayward teen executed on February 28th, 2006
Milton Butts- Town entrepreneur with questionable mob ties
Maynard Jergens- Belvidere's only homeless person and long rumored to be the heir to the billion dollar Jergen's fortune
Frank Grimes- Town Chiropractor
Flippy Martinez- Son of Quiznos Martinez who owns the Subway down on Avenue D
Deek Newton- Killed by wheat thresher
Norris Pearle- Town letter carrier and part time salesman at Tug's John Deere Outlet
Tug and Willomina- Owners of Tug's John Deere Outlet
Durnk and Steen Philpot- Father and son corn farmers who claim to be behind the Belvidere horizontal cow phenomenon
Lumpkin Twins- Grew up in Belvidere and are now famous singers
Shank Wilburn- Owner and operator of the Belvidere Manuer Museum and Deli and former business associate of yours truly
Tilly Woodard- Belvidere wayward teen
Tim-Bob "Timmy Tobacco" Alvarez- Owner of Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack
Gladys Keiser- Head of Mothers Against Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack and owner of Gladys's Hair Parlor
Harold Farlis- Owner of Uncle Lester's Health Spa and Smokehouse
Derique- Member of the Belvidere Hambone Players
Hal Marque- Mysterious propietor of the Center Diner, rumored to hail from France, and previously involved with labor relations at a mid-sized company somewhere on the east coast
Scruff Pearsall- Belvidere resident and MC Nuts Fan Club president
Zorg XII- Belvidere Alien Overlord
Brim Pinkerton- Town astrologer currently attempting to find Duane Frierson
Storch McNamara- Owner of Belvidere lard farm and bucketing facility and currently on mission to locate Duane Frierson
Ring and Turt McNamara- Sons of Storch who are also searching for Duane Frierson
Breech Piltner- Belvidere hair vendor
Malt Callahan- Pecked to death while turniping in the forbidden zone
Shorty Lewis- Martyred while attempting to deliver doomsday device into turkey territory


Shinga said...

You are certainly an accident-prone bunch in Belvidere. I am saddened to learn of the necessity of executing one of your youngsters but I take it that this was in line with due process although it does seem rather a harsh penalty for a "wayward teen". However, I may be understanding the use of the word teen in this context?

Spooner Jenkins said...

Sometimes life is hard, especially in a place like Belvidere. We gave Slap every opportunity to shape up be continued his wayward ways. Sass mouthing, slouching, loafing, lollygagging, you name it and Slap was up to it. A real shame if you asked me though. Sometimes I wonder if our loose capital punishment laws for teens and near teens are a good idea. But who am I to say really. Who are any of us after all. Just tiny pieces in the great machine we call existence.

Shinga said...

I'm british so I'm probably more shocked by execution, particularly of the very young, than most residents of Belvidere. I was so shocked that I have been unable to reply before now - I can only hope that Slap was very happy in Shady Acres right up until that fateful day.

Was the execution a quiet affair or was it broadcast to the whole town as an education/warning for your comparatively few remaining teenagers?