Wednesday, April 4, 2007
An Apology to the Citizens of Belvidere.....
Dear citizens of Belvidere, Nebraska,
My name is Zorg XII and I am writing today to ask for your forgiveness. For the past year and a half, I have been visiting your town, abducting a number of you, peforming various genetic experiments on your sheep, and greatly accelerating the intelligence of your turkey population. In addition, I have been tipping over your cows. I assure you that, though this has been at times a great inconvenience to you, all of my endeavors have been done in the name of scientific progress. I would explain further but your primitive thinkwads(our word for brain) would not be able to comprehend the sheer complexity of my studies.
I humbly ask that you look deep into your four chambered oxygen saturated fluid pumping device and accept my apology. My species is far superior than yours both socially and technologically, and we have the power to wipe your kind from this planet with but the touch of a button. I'm not trying to threaten you, I just think that's pretty cool. But you really should forgive me or else. Seriously, I'm just kidding. No hard feelings?
It has recently come to my attention that some of you have been meeting to come up with a plan to stop my nightly experiments on your populace. Let me reassure you that any efforts on your part to disrupt my research would be profoundly disasterous. Once again, no pressure. I'm just saying I could eradicate you if I wanted to. We're still cool right?
Let me also take this opportunity to tell you what a nice time I have been having and how much I appreciate your help. You have a lovely town that I would hate to see reduced to flaming ruins over something as silly as notifying the United States government. I really don't see why they need to be involved in this. I am a little hurt that you didn't feel that we could work this out ourselves. But I guess I'm used to this kind of treatment by now. Do you know how hard it is being a single father out on the road with a million mouths to feed. If not for Ronda's meatloaf I don't know what I would have stored their larvae in. I can't wait for the little guys to emerge.
And speaking of emergence. I don't quite know how to say this but here goes. Could I borrow a few bucks? Now I know what you're thinking. Who does this guy think he is right? Hey, if I were you I would tell me to hit the road too but hear me out first. We are a team. We are in this together and not just because my offspring are developing inside of your juicy thinkwads. I really feel like we have a connection and that, if we can get past this awkward stage in our relationship, we might become good frieds. If you needed money I would help you out. I would do anything for you guys. Seriously.