Belvidere Listing of Banned Books.....

(The Rock)

Ever since Gladys Keiser's guest column I've received a number of letters and emails about her call for banning, and burning, books deemed unsuitable for the eyes and/or ears of the impressionable youth of Belvidere. And while I am not in favor of book burning, because of the risk of violating city fire codes, I am a huge fan of banning all kinds of books. It is an undeniable scientific fact that books have played a huge role in the degredation of modern society. Since the invention of the printing press alone there have been two world wars[one of which involved Hitler], the September 11th tragedy, and the creation of homosexuality by Darwinist scientists.

Here is a list of the books currently banned in Belvidere, and the reasons why:

1. Waiter, There's a Penis in My Soup by Clem Peterson-Improper usage of footnotes and multiple run-on sentences.

2. Mommy, Why is My Other Mommy a Lesbian by Thorn Moriarity- Copyright infringement.

3. My Chancre and Me: Tales of Sally Syphilis Part I by Steel Duchovny- Lack of proper citation and use of a non-standard and irregular font. These problems were largely corrected prior to parts II and III being published and these can be found at the Belvidere Library in the Adolescent/Young Adult section.

4. Henry Porter and the Magician's Rock by T. L. L. Folkien- Plagiarism

5. A Traveller's Guide to Hebron, Nebraska by the Hebron Chamber of Commerce- This clearly biased work of fiction shall have no place in my town. Hebron is a bloated and diseased fly that has set upon the valiant steed that is Nebraska.

6. Celebrity Biography: The Rock by Deaf Jim Jenkins- The public display of man nipples is expressely forbidden by Belvidere Civic Code 3872-1A.

I am currently looking for more books that need to be banned and would appreciate any suggestions. Agnes, my loving wife who usually helps me with such endeavors will be visiting nearby Strang, Nebraska for the annual running of the elderly war veterans.