Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Around Town with Gladys Keiser.....

(Guest columnist Gladys Keiser)

Nobody appreciates Springtime anymore. When I was a young girl growing up in Belvidere, I respected two things more than anything else: My parents and mother nature. You don't have to see a third of your family carried off by twisters and dirt devils to have a healthy attitude towards the grace and majesty of the elements, but it sure didn't hurt. Luckily my kin were just fine. Keisers are known for being hard headed. Maybe that's why we've been around these parts for nearly two centuries, tolerating everything from the Possum Fever outbreak of the 1840's to the more recent spate of UFO abductions. And all of these problems can be blamed on one thing: Kids today just don't have any respect.

In the days of my youth, on beautiful Belvidere Spring afternoons I looked forward to my chores. But not until I completed all my school assignments, which weren't bogged down with unnecessary frivolities like the science and math that so many impressionable young girls are exposed to these days. Today when I look around town, I see girls strutting around with their underwear showing and their hair down like street trollops. It's no wonder that boys can't concentrate on their business.

Maybe instead of watching that television contraption with its MTV and its Discovery Channel, future women of tomorrow should spend time reading more of the good book. Let the boys worry about silly things like sports and voting. Girls excel in other areas and that is the way it should be. Who says we need to have an opinion on everything. If it's happening in another country, then we don't need to worry about it.

There have been a lot of changes around Belvidere lately. Most of them not for the better. Do we really need two banks? Did Jesus preach about one hour martinizing? And I think it's about time we women ask our fathers or husbands if it's okay to do something about it. I propose the following list of improvements for our town:

1. Boycott evolution: I say from here on the streets of our fair city should be safe from the evils of changes in the frequency of alleles within a gene pool from one generation to the next.
2. Curfew: In my humble opinion, nothing good happens after 6pm with the exception of my Touched by an Angel reruns on PAX.
3. More book burnings: It isn't enough to just ban books, you have to burn them. I know of no better way to reach our most precious commodity, our children, than through fire and the smell of charred smut and/or occult propaganda.
4. Reopen Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Teens.
5. Invite Captain Abstinence to return for another visit to Belvidere.

The time has come to right the sinking ship that is Belvidere. Take action before it is too late. Do it for yourself. Do it for the children. Do it for old Gladys Keiser.

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